Missing Willow
by xlilmisfitx
Summary: Tara watches over the Scoobies as they try to help Willow deal with her death. I own nothing. Buffy belongs to Joss Whedon


It doesn't matter how long I stay dead for, I'll never forget those green eyes. I'll never forget the way the first looked at me, full of curiosity and wonderment. I'll never forget my last memory of how they looked at me either, full of adoration and love. She seemed so relieved that we had got back together. In truth, so was I. I just hope now, now we can't go back; that she understands it was something I had to do. If it hadn't, her addiction would have killed her, even if the both the break-up and my unexpected death did almost destroy her and the world.

I loved her deeply and always will. Though she was not the first, she was my most important and my last. I owe her so much, I wasn't happy or at one with myself until she started to show me that I was worth caring for. No one else ever quite managed that. As cliché as it is, she made me who I am today, who I was. I know one day I'll have to watch her move on into the arms of another. It will kill me all over again but she can't be alone forever. I would want that even less than I want another woman to share our bed.

If I wanted to, I could let her see me now in spirit, even speak to her. There is nothing I want more in the world, but it's the one thing I would never do. The wounds are too fresh, the stakes too high. She could lose too much. Despite her being back from England now, I know she's not fixed. I'm not sure she ever will be. Addiction grabbed her by the throat so hard I can almost see the chords pulling at it and her heart. Magick was our first connection, now she has lost both.

Buffy's with her now, cradling her but I can see she's numb inside. It's soul destroying to watch: My Willow, my so full-of- life Willow, becoming as corpse-like as my body. Buffy runs her fingers through that red hair that had once stolen my heart and I must admit that I feel jealous, a jealousy closely followed by guilt. I should be grateful that she has her friends for comfort but that should be me. I should be the one to rub her back, whisper promises that it will be okay into her ear and dry her tears. But It's not me and my time as passed.

She had Buffy long before I came along, and hopefully she'll have her for a long time to come. There's no one else I'd trust to look after her more, except Xander but I know they come as a package; the three of them. He's worried about Will too. He hates leaving her alone but I can see that she's starting to get restless and claustrophobic. She wants time alone.

She's moved away from Buffy now and gone up to our room, while trying not to look at the window. She's sat on the bed, holding the photo of us and Miss Kitty Fansastico that sits on the cabinet.

"Hey Tara," She says softly, "I don't know if you remember, but you once told me that in this room I didn't have to brave or scared and I could you anything.

"I don't even know if you can hear me, and part of me doesn't care if you can or not. I'd love for you to hear, but even if you can't, I'm going to tell you anyway.

"I'm so tired of being brave." She says, her voice starting the crack. Yet, she manages to speak louder than before, as though she doesn't know how far away I am. She doesn't realise that I've actually sat down next to her, because I won't let her see, no matter how bad it gets.

"I just miss you so much that it's gone past the point of hurt. It hurts so much that I'm immune to the pain and I just feel numb. Every time I close my eyes, you're there, in a different memory each time. The time we moved the vending machine, dancing with you at the Bronze, you serenading me in the park that time a daemon put us all in a musical... Oh great, now I'm doing that babbling thing again. I can't seem to kick the habit, can I; even when I'm talking to a dead person."

I hear her gasp, even though it is almost inaudible. Her hands tremble slightly, but it is enough to make the photo she was holding ever-so-tenderly crash to floor, pieces of glass scattering at her feet.

The sound of her desperate howling fills emptiness of the room and Buffy and Xander are there in seconds. Xander's hugging her tightly while Buffy tries to reassemble the pieces of her old life, my old life, and put the frame back together again.

As I watch helplessly, I want nothing more than to jump down Willow's throat and be inside her. That way, we would be one. That way I would live on forever and she would never have to be alone again. I could protect her from the world and keep her safe on the inside, something her friends could never do. If only that were possible. Instead I'm forced to sit here while the others try and bandage a wound that can't be healed.

Until now, she had been so preoccupied trying to combat her other demons that she had not yet started her grieving process. I think, I'm honest, she had been secretly hoping Giles would link my death to some kind of supernatural activity and that could be undone. The smashing on the picture frame brought this hope to an end. To Willow, right now, the term 'natural causes' was one of the biggest demons of all, because it is one of the few things she has no power or control over. It is the one she has been running from, admitting defeat means admitting I am not coming back.

Giles comes and hovers in the doorway, his glasses removed in an uncomfortable yet sweet way. He wants Will to know he's there for her, but at the same time, wants to give her the privacy that comes with him not being able to see what she's doing.

Dawn is sobbing somewhere in the distance, possibly in Buffy's room. I miss her too. She was like the niece I never had. She still is. There's turmoil in Buffy's eyes now, torn between comforting them both. Xander gives her a reassuring nod and takes her place so she can go.

Willow's now shaking and hyperventilating so badly that he has to lie down on the bed. He lays down beside her and spoons her protect the way I used to when she fell out. She's still shaking, but not so violently now. I know now that she won't accidently hurt herself, not on Xander's watch.

As a watch my friends, my true family that I made myself crumble at my death almost makes me wish that I had never known them so I wouldn't have caused them as much pain. All they ever did was give me a place and purpose when no one else did. They loved me more than my own father, and in return I gave them bitter agonising pain. They don't deserve this.

I know now that it is time to leave then to recover in their own ways. One day I'll see them again, if they can bear to get to know me again in the afterlife.

With a heavy, un-beating heart I turn away from them and walk towards my eternity. The one that I share with Joyce, with Jesse, and with Jenny. In life they had been the most important person to someone in that room who was now taking care of Will. As the most important person to Willow, I completed the set. All my friends have lost the one person that they thought they could not live without. They are now forced to live their own worst nightmare, and all because we had left them.

I give them one last backward glance and realise that, even in death, you can still cry.


End file.
